Breaking the Silence and Offering Support
Self-harm is often misunderstood, particularly when it comes to men. Expectations about masculinity and emotional expression mean that men who self-harm are not only less likely to seek help but might not even recognise their behaviours as a form of coping.
The reality is that self-harm is not as rare among men as you might think. It can affect anyone, regardless of age, background, or circumstances. By understanding what self-harm is, why it happens, and how to offer support, we can help each other feel seen, heard, and empowered to seek healthier ways of coping.
What Is Self-Harm?
Self-harm is any behaviour where you intentionally cause harm to yourself as a way of coping with emotional pain. It’s a response to overwhelming emotions, numbness, or a desire to regain control. For some, it can be a way to release emotional pain; for others, it may be an attempt to feel something at times when emotional disconnection becomes too difficult to handle.
Self-harm is often associated with behaviours like cutting or burning, but it can also include neglecting your health, engaging in risky behaviours, or even self-critical thought patterns that reinforce a cycle of emotional pain. Understanding the various forms self-harm can take is really important for recognising it - in yourself and others - and offering compassionate support.
Forms of Self-Harm
Self-harm manifests in diverse ways, including but not limited to:
Physical self-harm: Cutting, scratching, or burning the skin, or hitting yourself.
Risk-taking behaviours: Driving recklessly, engaging in unsafe sexual practices, or substance misuse.
Neglecting your needs: Starvation, sleep deprivation or overworking to the point of physical harm.
Emotional self-harm: Excessive self-criticism or deliberately remaining in toxic environments or isolating yourself from others.
Overexercising: Pushing your body beyond its limits as a way to punish yourself or escape.
Perfectionism or over-achievement: Relentless self-criticism or never feeling good enough can drive you to burnout through unattainable standards or goals
While well-recognised forms, like cutting, can be more visible, others can be harder to recognise. This is especially true for men, who may engage in behaviours like overworking, excessive alcohol use, or taking unnecessary risks without associating them with self-harm.
Why Men Self-Harm
If you self-harm, it might be for many of the same reasons as anyone else, but societal norms can create additional barriers and pressures:
Emotional suppression: Many of us grow up with the message that expressing emotions is ‘weak’. This can lead to unprocessed emotions building up, with self-harm becoming an outlet for them.
Trauma: Experiences such as abuse, bullying, or loss can leave deep emotional scars that some of us manage through self-harm.
Disconnection: Feeling isolated or emotionally numb can make you turn to self-harm to reconnect with your feelings.
Self-punishment: Feelings of guilt or not being good enough can manifest in self-harming behaviours.
Desire for control: When life feels chaotic, self-harm might provide a sense of agency.
How to Support Yourself or a Man Who Is Self-Harming
If you or someone you know is self-harming, how you respond can make a huge difference. Here are some ideas of how you could approach the situation:
1. Create a Safe Space
If you’re supporting someone else, start by expressing your concern - but avoiding any form of judgment. For example: “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling lately, and I want you to know I’m here if you ever want to talk.” Let them set the pace for the conversation. If this is about yourself, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling and that you deserve kindness.
2. Listen Without Judgment
Whether it’s a friend, relative, or yourself, avoid asking “why” or trying to problem-solve immediately. Instead, focus on listening and validating their feelings. Phrases like “That sounds really hard” or “It’s okay to feel this way” can help to show that you’re coming from a genuine place.
3. Offer Practical Support
Encourage healthy coping strategies such as journaling, exercise, or mindfulness. If it’s you, try to explore small, manageable changes. If it’s someone else, you could suggest local support groups or online communities where men share similar experiences.
4. Respect Autonomy
Healing is a personal journey. Whether it’s yourself or someone else, avoid pressuring change or rushing into solutions. Instead, acknowledge that support is available when ready. If you’re supporting yourself, remind yourself that small steps matter and there’s no timeline for healing.
5. Encourage Therapy When Appropriate
Professional support can be really help. If you or someone else is ready, therapy can offer a way to exploring emotions and help develop healthier ways to cope.
Gently suggest therapy if:
The self-harm is escalating or interfering with daily life.
There are feelings of hopelessness or suicidal thoughts.
There’s an openness to finding other ways to cope.
You might say to someone else, “You don’t have to go through this alone. A therapist could help you figure out what’s going on and support you in finding better ways to cope.” If it’s you, remember that reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Final Thoughts
Self-harm is a complex behaviour that signals deeper emotional pain or unmet needs. Recognising and addressing self-harm starts with understanding, compassion, and patience - whether it’s for yourself or someone you care about. By breaking the silence and offering a safe, non-judgemental space, you can begin the journey toward healing. Therapy can provide additional tools for processing emotions and developing healthier ways of coping. Most importantly, know that you’re not alone, and support is out there when you’re ready to take the next step.
If this blog has resonated with you, please share it with someone who it might help.
If you would like to find out more about working with me, give me a call or click on the button below to book a free 30 minute introduction call.
Comments