There are moments in life when everything feels off. You’re successful on paper, but something isn’t sitting right. Or you’ve hit a crossroads and don’t know which way to turn. Maybe you’re deep into a career, a relationship, or a routine, yet you feel more disconnected than ever. This is dissonance - the internal friction that tells us we’re out of alignment with our true selves. For many men, this is a silent battle fought behind closed doors. I’ve been there - and suffered the consequences and so have many of the men that I talk to.
Why Do Men Experience Dissonance?
Dissonance can strike at key stages in life - graduating into the ‘real world’; entering your 30s and questioning if you’re on the right path; mid-life when responsibilities pile up, or later years when retirement looms. It can also happen when personal circumstances change - in relationship challenges or facing parenthood. Regardless of the time or circumstances, each transition comes with expectations - some some are lingering from childhood; some are self-imposed; others are societal. But when those expectations don’t match how we feel inside, a gap forms. That gap breeds stress, anxiety, frustration, and often an underlying sense of failure.
For men, this struggle is often compounded by a culture that values certainty, self-reliance, and a hardened sense of stoicism. The unspoken rule is to ‘figure it out’ alone. But trying to battle dissonance solo often leads to deeper confusion or burnout. The truth is, clarity rarely comes in isolation. It emerges in conversation, reflection, and through being seen for who we really are.
The Cost of Ignoring Dissonance
When dissonance goes unaddressed, it doesn’t just ‘go away.’ It can manifest in ways we don’t always recognise - irritability, loss of motivation, escapism through work, addictions or distractions. It can also manifest in physical symptoms like tension, fatigue, or sleep disturbances. However, the longer we push it down; the harder it is to hear what it’s trying to tell us.
Brené Brown describes in The Gifts of Imperfection how we ‘hustle for worthiness’ when we feel disconnected from our true selves; striving for external validation to prove our worth. This can lead men to overcompensate in their careers, push harder in relationships, or chase achievements that ultimately leave them feeling empty. But realignment doesn’t come from the outside in - it happens from the inside out.
Finding Your Truth in the Noise
So, how do we move through dissonance and reconnect with our truth?
1. Acknowledge the Feeling, Even If You Can’t Name It Yet
The first step is recognising that something feels off. You don’t need to have the answers right away. Simply admitting that you’re experiencing dissonance allows space for curiosity and exploration.
2. Seek Out Honest Reflection
It’s nearly impossible to see ourselves clearly without a mirror. Working with a mentor, therapist, coach, or even a trusted friend can help make sense of what’s beneath the surface. They don’t give you the answers - they help you find your own.
3. Reassess Your Values
Dissonance often means we’re living by values that aren’t truly ours. Take time to reflect: What actually matters to you? If all external expectations fell away, what would you prioritise? Journaling, meditation, or simply having meaningful conversations can be a great way to uncover this.
4. Give Yourself Permission to Change
One of the hardest truths to accept is that we’re allowed to evolve. Just because a career, relationship, or identity served you in the past doesn’t mean it has to define your future. Growth requires releasing what no longer fits - and that can be painful.
5. Surround Yourself with People Who Challenge and Support You
We are social beings. We thrive when we are seen, heard, and challenged in a way that pushes us toward growth. Finding a community - whether that’s men who share your values; a therapist who understands your journey; or a coach who calls you forward - can be the difference between staying stuck and stepping into your truth.
Reconnecting With Your Authentic Self
The path out of dissonance isn’t about finding a single, clear answer. It’s about tuning into what feels real for you and having the courage to follow that feeling. It’s about being open to guidance, embracing discomfort, and moving toward alignment rather than away from it.
This is the work I do every day - helping men step into who they really are, not who they’ve been told they should be. Only then can they stand tall.
If you’re feeling lost or out of sync, you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. There’s a way through, and it starts with reconnecting to your truth.
If you have been there, what has helped you navigate moments of dissonance in your life? If you are experiencing dissonance right now, I’d love to hear about your experience. Share your thoughts: Comment or send me a message.
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