Your past doesn’t define you - it’s part of your story so Find the time to heal.
Boarding school often evokes a wide range of emotions and memories, and for many, those memories can be incredibly complex. Whether you spent your formative years within the walls of a boarding school or you’ve come to know someone who has, the conversations about these institutions can feel polarising. The concept of 'boarding school syndrome' has been used to describe shared struggles some former boarders face in adulthood, including difficulties with intimacy or emotional expression. While it can be a helpful framework, it doesn’t fully capture the unique experiences of each individual.
It’s worth remembering that no experience is all bad or all good. The truth lies somewhere in the nuance. As someone who works with men and women reflecting on their childhoods, including time spent in boarding schools - and has an understanding born out of personal experience, I’ve seen how powerful it can be to welcome all parts of ourselves into our healing journey—the positive memories alongside the painful ones.
A Complex Legacy
Often people look back on their boarding school days and see moments of joy interwoven with hardship. They might remember the camaraderie of playing team sports; the thrill of performing on stage; or the satisfaction of rising to academic challenges. These are experiences many students share, regardless of whether they attend boarding or day schools; state or private. Sometimes, however, the memories are much more challenging and include experiences of bullying and rejection which can be traumatic and isolating whilst at School as well as having a long-lasting impact.
For some, the challenges of boarding school lay in feelings of loneliness, the absence of parental presence, or navigating peer relationships in an environment that can feel competitive or intense. While many schools strive to create safe spaces and foster supportive relationships, not everyone finds them at the moments they need them most. The high expectations for performance - whether driven by the culture of the school; the hopes of parents or sense of self - can feel overwhelming, leaving little room to process emotions.
It’s also worth recognising that for some, boarding school may have provided a refuge from difficulties at home, offering structure and opportunities that might not have been available otherwise. Every individual’s experience is shaped not only by the school itself but also by their personality, circumstances, and the resources they had to navigate these formative years. What may have been a source of growth for one person might have been deeply challenging for another, highlighting the deeply personal impact of these experiences
Through my work, I’ve seen how this dichotomy often shows up as an adult. Some men struggle with relationship patterns rooted in unmet needs from their school years. Others experience addiction or self-doubt stemming from an inner child who couldn’t stand up for himself in the harsh realities of boarding life.
Even in the midst of their healing journeys, many find it freeing to acknowledge the full spectrum of their past. Denying the good, even when it’s overshadowed by pain, can make moving forward even harder.
Denying the good, even when it’s overshadowed by pain, can make moving forward harder because it creates an incomplete narrative of our past. When we only focus on the pain, we risk reinforcing a sense of helplessness or resentment, which can keep us stuck in those feelings. Acknowledging the positive moments - even if they feel small or fleeting - doesn’t diminish the reality of the challenges; rather, it allows us to hold a more balanced perspective.
By recognising the full spectrum of our experiences, we honour the complexity of our story. This integration helps us process difficult emotions while also reclaiming parts of our identity that might otherwise be lost or forgotten. It’s not about excusing harm or minimising pain but about empowering ourselves to move forward with a more complete understanding of who we are and what we’ve lived through
Breaking the “Character-Building” Myth
We often hear phrases like 'what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger' to describe difficult experiences, but the truth is more complex. Hardship alone doesn’t build character - it’s the support, reflection, and growth we experience afterward that truly shape us. For some, boarding school may have fostered resilience or self-reliance, but for others, it left emotional wounds that require care and attention to heal. Real strength comes from processing and integrating these experiences, not from simply enduring them..
This isn't about assigning blame or getting caught in debates about the rights and wrongs of private education. My intention, as always, is to focus on the individual human being and their healing and empowerment. Boarding schools, like any intense communal environment - army barracks, for instance - can foster camaraderie, shared experiences, and kinship. But when they fail to address bullying, emotional neglect, or toxic behaviour, those same environments can leave scars.
Recognising All Parts of the Journey
Acknowledging your full story - both the good and the bad - can be a profound step toward growth. For some, this involves coming to terms with the inner child who felt abandoned or overlooked. As an adult you might find yourself struggling with feelings of inadequacy or rejection in relationships and might be carrying unresolved emotions from a child who felt abandoned or unheard during school years. In contrast, for others, it might mean celebrating moments of pride or accomplishment from their boarding school years, despite the challenges or recognising their independence, adaptability and ability to form meaningful friendships.
The goal isn’t to erase or glorify the past but to integrate it. Every experience, no matter how difficult, has shaped the person you’ve become. By honouring these experiences without letting them define you, you can begin to heal and move forward.
Moving Forward
As we move into the holiday season - a time when memories of family and the past often come into sharper focus - it might be worth taking a moment to pause and check in with yourself. How has your past shaped your present? What patterns serve you well, and which might you want to let go of or reframe? This season offers a unique opportunity to reconnect with yourself and your values.
If your past feels like it still echoes in your present - whether in relationships, emotions, or self-doubt - know that you don’t have to navigate this alone. Together, we can create space to reflect, heal, and move toward a more balanced and fulfilling future. If this resonates, I’d love to hear from you. As always, my aim isn’t to assign blame but to offer space for reflection and growth. Your past, however complex, deserves to be acknowledged with compassion - and so do you.
If anything I have said here resonates with you - or if you disagree with what I have said, I would love you hear your thoughts.
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